Brigit's Flame Post - September Week 2 - Stripping Gears

[klsiegel320]

So, this is also a bit autobiographical...okay, more than a bit. A couple people will have read the long version of the story; this is a substantially shorter, slightly different take.
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Stripping Gears

It all started innocently enough. All I said was, “Wow! That was awesome! We should do this more often!”

Sometimes a tiny push is just what the Universe needs to set the wheels in motion.

I offered a sincere, unguarded thought, and the Spirit said, “Yes, indeed. I think I can work with this.”

It didn’t happen immediately. Several key pieces were not yet in place—but slowly, inexorably, the gears turned and the pieces moved into place, until there came another moment the Spirit could use.

I really do not know what I was thinking. I really don’t think I was thinking. We were talking after church on Trinity Sunday in the choir room, and my choir master said, “Anyone who wishes is welcome to sing a solo over the summer, in place of an anthem.” He specifically addressed several other people. He did not specifically address me. It would have been easy to just leave it there.

It occurred to me that I have a friend with an amazing contralto voice, and that she’s always interested in singing somewhere, so I asked if she might be welcome. The response was enthusiastic; he loves her voice as much as I do. It would have been easy to just leave it there.

I do not know…no. That is not true, and honesty is required. The deep part of me, the part of me that Knows, the part of me that Listens, knew that this was the time, and spoke. “Or we could do a duet…”

The rest of me thought that simply offering was sufficient bravery for one summer, and that actually stepping up would not be required. Sometimes I think perhaps one of my purposes in life is simply to make God laugh.

It was not long before I found myself back in the choir room, sight-reading a couple pieces with my friend the alto. I was sight-reading pretty well, actually, and we were discovering again that we really do sound awesome together. That was at the end of June.

We booked for August; that gave us six weeks. Surely enough time, yes? After all, a master violin maker can craft an instrument in four weeks…

And that, as it turns out, is what we had set ourselves to do. Not that I didn’t already have a fine enough instrument, not that I didn’t already know a fair bit about how to use it—but I had never seriously considered it a solo quality instrument. My battle-cry was that I was a perfectly competent, happy chorister, and that was quite sufficient. At least, it was sufficient for me…

I picked up the notes to both pieces quite handily, and after that I admit I rather took them both for granted. I confess—I still didn’t realize I was in the deep end of the pool, not until a fateful Sunday in Montclair.

Talk about stripping gears! I had expected to go to church, hear my partner sing a solo, and then practice the two pieces together, now that I’d had some time to learn the notes. Except that suddenly at the last minute the schedule was rearranged, and we had to practice before the service. It was early morning, I was rushed and tired and not warmed up…nothing good can come of such a combination. Nothing good did.

I started having doubts—serious doubts—and it pushed me to work harder, but still not smarter. I kept listening, carefully, to the recording; kept lightly singing on the subway; kept trying to reassure myself that the tone would be there—but still didn’t really understand what I needed to be doing…until a week before our first booked date, when we practiced with my own choir master, and all the wheels fell off.

Any sane person would simply have cancelled, at that point. Any sane, rational person would have realized that this was simply too high to climb, too fast, and would have backed off. Fortunately, I am not—quite—sane.

We shifted again, into overdrive. We worked tirelessly, relentlessly, for a week—not just on technique, but on the little insanities that were getting in the way of technique. Let me tell you, there are days when it is no great grace to have an instrument that is inhabited.

What we found, in the end, was the instrument I was born with, the instrument I am only now growing into. I still don’t entirely understand all of what we found, or how—and the gears are still turning. The creativity we unleashed has a momentum that is carrying it onward and outward and upward. Things in my soul that haven’t shifted in decades are rumbling loose, flaking off their rust and creaking into motion. It is…exhilarating. Frightening as all hell, but…exhilarating.
 

Comments

[jlly-coppercorn.livejournal.com]

The strength it must take to get up in front of people and sing. I personally have only tried once, doing karaoke with friends, and my diaphragm tightened up as soon as I opened my mouth. I could only whisper the lyrics. It's a pity too, because really belting out a song feels so good - as long as no one's listening.

Well done on locking that fear in the basement where she belongs and really good entry this week. Maybe we should take a safari in Balloonhat's world and hunt some Unquiet Doubt together. I bet the whole Brigit's Flame community could merrily join in that quest.

Indeed...

[klsiegel.livejournal.com]

...if you read Parasite, then you know some of what I was fighting through.

It's strength, it's courage, it's skill and preparation... it's prayer. For me, more than anything else, it was centering and grounding and being open to letting the Spirit use my instrument. There's a friends-locked post that has to stay friends-locked for various reasons, that goes into longer detail; if you're interested, I can send by e-mail or add you to my friends list.

And make no mistake - what we have now is fair enough, but it is not done yet. There is work, and mighty work, still to do...but for the first time in perhaps forever, I feel up to taking it on.

Re: Indeed...

[jlly-coppercorn.livejournal.com]

I did read Parasite but I felt uncomfortable commenting because the post felt so...intimate. Because you took a step back and told this story at a distance it felt like less of an intrusion to comment this week. I think most people have that voice inside them telling them they are not good enough and that even the people who give you praise are really smirking behind their hands at you. That voice is someone we don't talk about in polite conversation even though we should because it saps the power it has over us. You wrote in that post as though you were weak but finally starting to fight back. Based on the two posts I can see that you are brave and strong. It's something you can hone, like your voice or with it, to battle the inner demons.

Re: Indeed...

[klsiegel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as I think I remarked to one of the commenters on Parasite, I do seem to have stepped right out there with no clothes on.

I've been wrestling this particular daemon, with greater and lesser success, for quite a while now, and I suspect we have quite a distance to go...but for the moment, for today, I am driving the bus most of the time, and I am unpicking the traps as I come to them. It is a great blessing that at least I have light to see them by, now, and greater skill at disassembling them.

[asianprincess61.livejournal.com]

Hi~! I'm AsianPrincess61, and I'll be your editor! :D

I must say, that I really like the flow of this piece as well as how relateable the character is. Doing what she did must've been really hard huh? :)

Admittedly though, I'm not quite sure as to what else I should say regarding your piece. The grammar looks good to me, and the sentence beginnings seem pretty diverse and not too repetitive. :D

Keep up the good work, and good luck in this competition!

Sorta belated gentle edit.

[mermaidbia.livejournal.com]

This is an incredibly complex, well-crafted, mysterious and beautiful piece, and you display a beautiful voice - not only in singing, which is obviously your passion, but in using words, too. You weave your reader skilfully into the vocabulary he needs to enter your own universe, to understand your speech, in a sort of enigmatic, but still beautiful way that I've never seen before on BF. Your writing is precise, eloquent, a little strange and offbeat - but honest all the way. I love the way you initially peruse the prompt "gear" as a metaphor for things changing, fates being set in motion, as well as your own personal "gear" - your voice and your wavering confidence. I love how you keep this metaphor up, letting it slip into unexpected places before the reader forgets it. You are a sublime writer.
Like asianprincess, I really feel/see nothing sticking out here; this is an extremely private, intimate piece and I feel kind of squeamish as an editor looking too closely for "faults" that are simply part of the stream of consciousness. However, as usual I will go through this paragraph by paragraph and remark on what occurs to me.

Sometimes a tiny push is just what the Universe needs to set the wheels in motion.
I love this sentence - it could come off as cliché, but in your piece it is honest and heartfelt, gives one a vague, intruiging idea what this will be about.

The response was enthusiastic; he loves her voice as much as I do.
This confused me a tiny little bit, because I thought this friend of hers was outside the choir, but the choir master knows her. Maybe you could put in a few more hints to make this clearer?

It would have been easy to just leave it there.
I love the way you ended two paragraphs with the same sentence, it really turns into a beautiful, rhythmic monologue.

I do not know…no. That is not true, and honesty is required.
This "honesty is required", after the intimate portrayal of the paragraphs beforehand, seems almost a little too distanced in comparison, but maybe your protagonist - you - needs this distance at that point, so I'm on dangerous territory here. Suggestion: "That is not true, and I need to be honest."

Sometimes I think perhaps one of my purposes in life is simply to make God laugh. Lovely, wry-sounding sentence.

I picked up the notes to both pieces quite handily,
"handily" feels like a really odd word here. "quickly"? "aptly"? "eagerly"? Again, dangerous territory, shooting in the dark, but "handily" feels not up to par with the rest of your prose.

I kept listening, carefully, to the recording; kept lightly singing on the subway; kept trying to reassure myself that the tone would be there—but still didn’t really understand what I needed to be doing…until a week before our first booked date, when we practiced with my own choir master, and all the wheels fell off.
That. That, every single bit of that is beautiful and honest and effortless, right on - and you skilfully insert the prompt back in.

he creativity we unleashed has a momentum that is carrying it onward and outward and upward.
I want to sing that sentence. Seriously.

It is…exhilarating. Frightening as all hell, but…exhilarating.
I almost feel the "as hell" is out of synch with the rest of your prose, but - like before - it may be that extra-bit of honesty you feel you require for this piece, so I'll just leave it standing.

Good work!

Re: Sorta belated gentle edit.

[klsiegel.livejournal.com]

Oh, ! Thank you.

Hadn't of course considered that it could be a speed bump - my choir master has met my partner in crime because she came to church with me a couple times, including once when he summarily drafted her into the choir for the day. He would in fact like very much to have her in our choir permanently, but she has a paid soloist/section leader job at another church, so that's not currently an option.

"Honesty is required" is there as a ritual formula; hadn't considered it as distancing, but I can see how it could be. Perhaps, with that formula in the back of my mind, "that is not true, and I need to be truthful" would work as well?

Re: "handily." I'm looking for something that says both quickly and easily, without a lot of effort; would "readily" work for you? If not, probably quickly or easily would be the best alternatives.

Re: the ending. I need "frightening as" something, for sure; and I needed it not to be too wordy, or I might have said "frightening as the plunge of a roller coaster" or "frightening as a cliff dive into dark water"...would either of those work and not be too wordy?

And overall - thank you for loving it and gently inviting me to grow it anyway; your touch is very gentle, and all this approval is really healing in ways I can't even begin to explain. Gotta keep writing.