klsiegel320 | Ooops...

I had an "ooops" after we got back from lunch today...was out to lunch with the PM (Project Manager) and a couple of the guys I work with, trying to figure out how to do about four or five weeks' work in two weeks. Not gonna happen, basically - we're sort of proactively postponing the other things because nobody's quite breathing down our necks yet...anyway...I'd had to leave a meeting about one of the large things I'm working on, to go to this lunch, so I stopped by a colleague on the way back in to ask what I missed. Innocent intentions: catch up on what else happened in the meeting, catch her up on what we'd said at lunch. But you all know what's paved with good intentions...

Basically I got into a non-CCE-business-related conversation with this colleague; worse than that, it was something of a what's-happening-at-Fujitsu conversation (i.e., people let go, reviews basically just cancelled, etc.). PM comes around the corner and snaps, "Would you cut this conversation in public, please?!"

At which point we jointly remember that we're surrounded by CCE personnel, not to mention consultants from other consulting companies also working on the project...so I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed, and I e-mail an apology to him.

He's not really mad; he just needs us to remember that we have to present ourselves professionally, and then suggested that "since we all - CCE personnel included - know your workload, perhaps it would be best if you just stayed in heads-down mode for the next couple weeks, and only surface for air if you really need to."

In other words, sit down, shut up, go back to your corner and don't talk to people unless you have to. What a great thing to tell a person who's already suffering from depression and feeling isolated and cut off from people.

I'm okay with it; not thrilled but...surviving.

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So then I get in this morning...BTW, have I mentioned how much I hate making stupid mistakes like that? I mean, I know where we are, I know how important this account is, I know how bad it looks (once I think about it), but still...there I am, having this conversation out loud in public surrounded by client and other consulting personnel...

So anyway, I get in this morning and there's this e-mail waiting for me, and it's basically a summary of our lunch meeting yesterday and how we're going to juggle all this crap so that it actually gets done. And it says (skipping over the dull details of what meeting will be scheduled when and stuff): "...Karen agrees to stay in a full "heads down" mode for the next few weeks to accomodate this stuff. Karen......this may require some offsite time at the Fujitsu office......please coordinate w/ me."

Now this is after what he said yesterday in answer to my apology: "Everyone, including the client, is aware of your work load. It may be a good idea to keep yourself in a heads-down mode for the next week or so.......come up for air only when you have to."

So I read this as: "You're an embarrassment; I want you out of sight, but somewhere that you can be monitored (i.e., the office and not the apartment)." And I'm sitting here feeling really hurt and angry and trying not to cry, and of course all of that makes it damn near impossible to focus on the work that needs doing...

So I wrote back, and said: "That's going to be rather inconvenient, since the VPN doesn't work through the Fujitsu firewall, and I need contact with the SCI people here to gather the information I need for the documentation. However, if you want me out of sight, I'll gather what I can, borrow your VPN, and go work at the apartment as soon as I have all the info I need."

In other words, you want me out of sight, fine, but not in a way that's going to cripple what I'm trying to do.

And he writes back that he was thinking more of printer accessibility - in other words, that wasn't anything like a shot at me; he was thinking I might need to go print the training materials for next week at our offices, where we have better printers and fewer people using them.

So I feel some better, although it's nearly 11 and I'm not moving very fast right now. Unfortunately, that's partly because my next step involves asking people questions, and the people with the answers are all invisible at the moment...naturally. Ah, well...we do what we can.

I was away for the weekend and am just catching up on my web reading, including giving your LJ & TypePad a visit.

Sorry the oops and your PM's comments made you feel rotten. Somehow I don't think he needed to tell you to work in heads-down mode -- seems like you're working pretty hard every time we talk.

The parenthical things you mentioned about Fujitsu (reviews cancelled, people let go) don't sound positive. If they don't give reviews, does that mean no raises?

Bassett is dealing with a hiring freeze (which doesn't affect my department) and, as far as I know, no one is getting a pay increase, not even a COLA. Of course, our contribution for health insurance has gone up for next year. :-/

Actually, I was feeling rotten before the oops and the PM's comments; but it's getting better. And I'm not always working as hard as I could; really I think he was saying "don't be seen or heard hanging out having conversations since everyone knows you don't have time for it."

Yeah, no reviews means no raises. Last raise of any kind was in July of 2001. The tax cut has essentially amounted to a bit of a raise; not that I think the tax cut was warranted but I suppose in this particular case it's been a help.

And yeah, the contribution for health care goes up, the rent goes up, the gas bill goes up, the ISP bill goes up...but the salary stay blithely unaware.

Ooops...

Follow-up to the "ooops"

{{{{{Karen}}}}}

Re: {{{{{Karen}}}}}